Birthday Highlights

Do I love birthdays or do I not love birthdays? If you are my friend, then you know the answer to this simple question. I love birthdays, (especially my own). Since moving to Manhattan, birthday parties have dominated my social scene, and I am forever grateful to them. With my own birthday in the very near future, (January, 23rd baybee). Great excitement is brimming. I can't wait to celebrate with my besties, to turn 26, and most importantly of all--to religiously check my facebook wall on the big day. I thought I might take a trip down memory lane and provide some of the highlights from the past twenty-five birthdays. Here we go, starting with # 1...

# 1-Since, I was one and have absolutely no recollection of the event--I don't have much to comment on. However, I have seen the pictures, (and the VHS recording) and I must admit--I was pretty cute, with cake smeared all over my face. (All ova yo face and stuff-Khia.)

#6-My first experience with birthday disappointment. My birthday party at Doreen Kerner Dance Studio had to be postponed due to a bout with pink eye. Hmm. Try explaining to a six year old on her birthday, that she can't have her birthday party because one of her eyes is oozing with fluids, and the other eye is crusted shut. (Yet again, I remain constant-as your # 1 most disgusting friend.)

# 9, 10, 11 were spent at Florham Park roller rink, backwards skating, couples skating and limbo-ing to early/mid 90's dance music, because well, it actually was the early to mid 90's.

# 13, Stealing the move from DJ Tanner, I set my alarm clock for my exact time of birth (6:46 am). Upon wake-up time, I proceeded to run through every room in my house (including the crawl space beneath our basement stairs, and our garage). screaming, "I'm a teenager." Naturally, the following week, I celebrated with the mother of all birthday parties, my bat-mitzvah.

#14-The first of many all-girls luncheon's. The big gossip was that one of the girls sitting at the table had flashed her tits the night before at an 8th grade party. Naturally, she was thrown to the wolves, exiled from our table, and labeled a "slut." (Aren't 14 year old girls the nicest?) But, on a more positive note--I received a record breaking 27 gifts from Bath and Body works.

#15-Little Mimi Girl wrote the song, "Fifteen Years of Being Weird" a tribute to well--me.

# 16-Oh ya know, just attended my all girl's sweet sixteen luncheon, wearing a dress THAT I HAD MADE, in home-ec. (Amelia, help!) It was crushed velvet, with tiny rhinestones and had a slit that went up to my ass). Who let me leave the house wearing this? We should all be ashamed of ourselves. (Sidenote: I got my hair did for the event, in a french twist updo).

#18-Cigarettes, voting and porn. None of these things appealed to me, except of course for porn And that is exactly what I found walking out to my car in the senior parking lot; anonymously left porn underneath my windshield wiper. Thank you to the boys that I am friends with. Also, thank you to the girls that I am friends with for buying me a pair of red pumas. I still love them today.

#21-Birthday disappointment # 2. After planning a 21st birthday bash for 200 people. (I'm not exaggerating) A 2.5 foot snowstorm blizzard had a mind of it's own, and conquered my birthday. Only 10 percent of my guest list were able trek out in the snow to make the party. I had puked and passed out in my bed by midnight. Happy Birthday to me. The highlight of this birthday was the cake that my roommates had ordered for me. A super imposed picture of me at fifteen (my prettiest year) was on the front of the cake. Also, if you were lucky enough not to remember what I looked like at 15, let me paint you a little picture. (Frizzy hair--cut, just below my chin, (flat irons not yet invented). pubic hair bangs, braces, translucent skin tone, tits unsupported in my non-under wire bra, and one large Caterpillar eyebrow.) In other words, I was a super model.

#24-Perhaps my most infamous birthday. I clung to walls for support, confessed my love to a former flame, and my best friend had to have her trigger pulled by her boyfriend at the party. But, most importantly of all; I drunkenly canoodled with my real life NYC next door neighbor, late night at his apartment, wearing a pair of spanx. (I'm not sure if the boys reading this know what spanx are-- but they are tights that come with a hole cut out right in the vag.) Why? Due to the super tight nature of spanx, designers thought it would be easier to go to the bathroom through the spanx hole, rather than taking off your tights. For the record, I have always taken off my tights, and never peed through a spanx hole). This was also the first birthday where a large group of Asian strangers arrived at my party in electric blue wigs. This would later become a tradition

# 25-Large group of Asians arrive at this party, though this time not in electric blue wigs. Highlights include, all of my favorite people in one place, and drinking out of a flask in the bathroom for the duration of the night.

With great anticipation, I look forward to what # 26 will bring.