Oh, just a short tale that needs to be told. And, yet another example of something that would only happen to me...
I was perusing a popular dating website when I received an IM from someone that I had been out with on two dates. (In case you didn't know, when you IM someone, your picture is shown, and your profile (with more pictures of you) is readily and easily available for viewing.
Let's call this particular fellow, Sam. Sam imed me with a simple, "hey." To which I replied, "hi." Then Sam asked me how I was doing. I responded that I was doing well, and I asked Sam how he was doing. His next response was, "So, what do you do for fun besides for looking hot in your pics?"
Hmm. That's really interesting.
1. Vomit.
2. In most photos taken of me, my eyes are rarely open, and I have atleast two to three chins per picture. Yes, I am better looking in person.
3. And, perhaps more importantly: I went on two dates with this person. (Sure, I was so drunk on one of them, that I don't actually remember getting home). But, that's neither here nor there. And, while I don't kiss and tell. (Or do I?) We may have gotten to first base. Shame on you, Sam. You should not only recognize me via the website, but also by my user name which is a derivative of my first and last name. (Both of which you know).
4. Shame on me. Did I really go out with someone who would use such a player-esque, lame-ass line on someone?
I responded to Sam by asking..."You know this is Lauren, right?" His immediate response was, "Oh my god." He signed off immediately, and called me. I let that one go straight to voicemail...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
A Taste of Summer
It's been a long winter, and today's sunny skies and eighty degree weather gave me the taste of summer that I've been craving. Four very exciting things occurred for the first time since last summer.
1. I have retired my tights for the 2011 winter season. Tights season is officially over, boiii. Goodbye sleek, black legs. Hellooo pasty, whites!!
2. BGbabe and I had our first night time stoop session since last summer. Oh, how I've missed you summertime stoop sessions. It's pretty simple really. All we need is Sixteen Handles, and our favorite East 9th street porch to sit on, and it's a guaranteed good night.
3. I made my first Central Park debut since last summer. Becca Girl, Loosh, and I laid out in the hot sunshine in our summer attire. (An aside: You may remember Loosh as my friend who hooked up with Johnny Harper from the OC. You may also remember that I am quite jealous).
4. I got me a sunburn today! Should this make me happy? Nah, probably not. But does it? Sure does.
Bring it, summer.
1. I have retired my tights for the 2011 winter season. Tights season is officially over, boiii. Goodbye sleek, black legs. Hellooo pasty, whites!!
2. BGbabe and I had our first night time stoop session since last summer. Oh, how I've missed you summertime stoop sessions. It's pretty simple really. All we need is Sixteen Handles, and our favorite East 9th street porch to sit on, and it's a guaranteed good night.
3. I made my first Central Park debut since last summer. Becca Girl, Loosh, and I laid out in the hot sunshine in our summer attire. (An aside: You may remember Loosh as my friend who hooked up with Johnny Harper from the OC. You may also remember that I am quite jealous).
4. I got me a sunburn today! Should this make me happy? Nah, probably not. But does it? Sure does.
Bring it, summer.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
April
April; you've really done nothing for me. From your crappy weather, to your crappy news, I am so over you. As many of you know, it's been a rough couple of weeks for me. While sitting at dinner with my family on Saturday night, I felt myself becoming emotional over my recent run of bad luck. I could feel a lump forming in my throat, and tears were welling up in my eyes. My dad leaned across the table, and put his arm around me. In his most comforting voice he said, "Don't worry Lauren, you'll get a boyfriend one day." Not what I'm crying about. But, thanks Dad.
Last night was actually amazing. My friends and I went to a bar (Angels and Kings). Catering to different interests: male, female, gay and straight. We figured this bar was our best bet. There was a wide open space for dancing, and a DJ who played anything and everything that we asked for. We LITERALLY brought the party with us. BGbabe had a dance-off with strangers. And, we danced in circles around the dance floor, literally. My friends are the best, for realzies. I really don't know a group of friends that has more fun than we do when we're together. We know how to do it!
Perhaps it was today's sunshine, or that for the first time this year, I wore shorts, a t-shirt and flip-flops, but today was a lovely day. I could feel my mood elevate instantly. I spent the early part of my day with Lindsay O, the middle part of my day with my Meelzy, and the end of my day at the Shake Shack with Josh. It was quite perfect. Here's hoping for a sunnier, brighter May.
Last night was actually amazing. My friends and I went to a bar (Angels and Kings). Catering to different interests: male, female, gay and straight. We figured this bar was our best bet. There was a wide open space for dancing, and a DJ who played anything and everything that we asked for. We LITERALLY brought the party with us. BGbabe had a dance-off with strangers. And, we danced in circles around the dance floor, literally. My friends are the best, for realzies. I really don't know a group of friends that has more fun than we do when we're together. We know how to do it!
Perhaps it was today's sunshine, or that for the first time this year, I wore shorts, a t-shirt and flip-flops, but today was a lovely day. I could feel my mood elevate instantly. I spent the early part of my day with Lindsay O, the middle part of my day with my Meelzy, and the end of my day at the Shake Shack with Josh. It was quite perfect. Here's hoping for a sunnier, brighter May.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Change
In February of 1988, when I was four years old; my family moved from a suburb outside of Philadelphia to Livingston, New Jersey. Just me, Little Mimi, Craig David, and Judy. (Heatzbabi wasn't born yet). I began attending my new nursery school that week, I would later learn that my teachers told my mom that I had adjusted remarkably well to my new surroundings. Within minutes of arriving at school I was comfortable, happy, and surrounded by a group of my four year old peers. As a four year old, change did not scare me.
Fourteen years later, as a highschool senior, I saw the change that was coming my way. And, it paralyzed me with fear. I loved my life in highschool, and saw no reason why any of that should have to change. I fought this change hard. Kicking and screaming, until day one at The University of Rhode Island. Within instants of arriving at college, all that resistance to change seemed silly. I was going to be happy at this place, and I knew it. I made the transition from highschool senior to college freshman, seamlessly. Four years later, at age twenty-two, college's end came looming at my doorstep. Repeat Highschool end's cycle. I cried for days when college ended. But, did I transition into the real world, becoming an adjusted, (semi)-normal adult? Heck yes!
It wasn't until a few years ago that I began to truly recognize and understand how change makes me feel. Removing the emotional component of change, and the extremely sentimental side to my personality, I am able to see that change makes me anxious. This is not shocking. Change makes lots of people feel this way. But, never before had I been able to accurately articulate the words to this feeling. I knew that often times when thinking about change, a giant pit in my stomach would form. I would lose sleep thinking about what things were to come. I knew that change made me feel scared, and unsure about what the next step would be like. But, I hadn't yet learned how to identify my feelings as what they really were. It wasn't until my decision to leave Camp Schodack, (and a short stint in therapy later) that I started to understand that most of my fears stem from the unknown, and that is very often associated with change.
Some of you may know this, and some may not, but this past Friday was a very hard day for me. All, I will say is this: Change is certainly knocking on my door once again. And, it will take all of my strength to approach this time like the four year old girl inside of me. Fearless, happy, and easily adaptable. And, who knows. Maybe, it will even be a good thing. As Sheryl Crow once said, "A change will do you good." (Eeek! I sure hope so).
Fourteen years later, as a highschool senior, I saw the change that was coming my way. And, it paralyzed me with fear. I loved my life in highschool, and saw no reason why any of that should have to change. I fought this change hard. Kicking and screaming, until day one at The University of Rhode Island. Within instants of arriving at college, all that resistance to change seemed silly. I was going to be happy at this place, and I knew it. I made the transition from highschool senior to college freshman, seamlessly. Four years later, at age twenty-two, college's end came looming at my doorstep. Repeat Highschool end's cycle. I cried for days when college ended. But, did I transition into the real world, becoming an adjusted, (semi)-normal adult? Heck yes!
It wasn't until a few years ago that I began to truly recognize and understand how change makes me feel. Removing the emotional component of change, and the extremely sentimental side to my personality, I am able to see that change makes me anxious. This is not shocking. Change makes lots of people feel this way. But, never before had I been able to accurately articulate the words to this feeling. I knew that often times when thinking about change, a giant pit in my stomach would form. I would lose sleep thinking about what things were to come. I knew that change made me feel scared, and unsure about what the next step would be like. But, I hadn't yet learned how to identify my feelings as what they really were. It wasn't until my decision to leave Camp Schodack, (and a short stint in therapy later) that I started to understand that most of my fears stem from the unknown, and that is very often associated with change.
Some of you may know this, and some may not, but this past Friday was a very hard day for me. All, I will say is this: Change is certainly knocking on my door once again. And, it will take all of my strength to approach this time like the four year old girl inside of me. Fearless, happy, and easily adaptable. And, who knows. Maybe, it will even be a good thing. As Sheryl Crow once said, "A change will do you good." (Eeek! I sure hope so).
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
The Wonders of Online Dating
If you're single in New York City, in the year 2011, you are probably no stranger to the phenomenon of online dating. The kind of awesome thing about online dating is that you are meeting people who you would otherwise not normally meet. The not so awesome thing about online dating is that some of these people that you're meeting are freaks. Whether you are on a dating website, or you know someone that is on one, you are aware of the impact that online dating has on 2000's dating culture. However, what I'd be willing to bet that you don't know is all of the mysterious intricacies that lie within this realm of dating. Some of these dating stories come from my own experiences, and some are from friends. All of these dating tales share one thing in common. They make you ask yourself--Why me?
A good friend of mine is currently on Jdate. She was e-mailing back and forth with a guy that had checked out her profile. This particular guy seemed a little bit socially off to her through his e-mails, but she thought--okay, I'll give this guy a chance. (I'm sorry ladies, but if his e-mails are weird, then he's probably weird too). As a way to break the ice about taking their relationship from e-mail to the phone, this guy asked my friend to rate her conversational skills on scale of 1-10. Yes, he actually asked that, and expected an actual numeric response. This should have been a big red flag to fore go the phone conversation immediately. But, my friend proceeded with the phone call. Once on the phone, the first question he asked her was, "Do you have a police record?" IS THIS REALLY THE CALIBER OF MEN THAT WE ARE EXPECTED TO DATE?!
A couple of years ago after a brief stint on Jdate, I left the website after a three date dating disaster. I went out with the same guy three times, and after our third date, I knew that it needed to end. After sending an "I'm sorry, this is not going to work out text," we went our separate ways. Two years later, on a different dating website, this same guy found my profile, and e-mailed me, "You are so cute, I would love to have the chance to meet you!" Mmhmm. You did meet me. And, you paid for three of my meals. Idiot.
Another strange phenomenon on Jdate is pen-paling. This one literally boggles my mind. If you are on a dating website, it means that you are looking to date. Right!? At the very least, it means you are looking to get some booty. And, you can't do any of those things unless you meet in person. My friends and I have all experienced this one: Guys will e-mail back and forth with you. They will even text and call you continuously, but they never initiate plans to actually meet you in real life. I already have plenty of people that I like to converse with via phone, text and gchat. I do not need to be doing this with a stranger who has no intentions of meeting me. In one instance I e-mailed back and forth with one guy seven or eight times. He was clearly interested in talking to me, as he continued to ask questions, and "laugh" at my e-mail banter. I finally said to myself, enough was enough. I decided to take the reigns on this one. I wrote him an e-mail and included my phone number, writing that we should get drinks this week. His next e-mail back was, "Oh Lauren, you're so funny." Yep, wasn't being funny with that one.
My personal favorite (and by favorite, I actually mean the worst date that I've ever been on in my life) was with a guy who looked nothing like his pictures. I am not shallow. Okay, I am thirty-eight percent shallow. Looks are not everything, but they do count for something. The man in his pictures was breathtaking, and shirtless. (Shirtless pics are a big no-no, in my book. But this man looked THAT good). The man that I met? Not so much. He was a good fifty pounds heavier than his pictures, and bald. Perhaps these pictures were taken of him in 1998? I am not sure. But, when he arrived at the bar, he looked nothing like his pictures, and I didn't recognize him. When he walked over to me and said, "Lauren?" I thought he was the host asking to seat me. Whoops.
Online first date booty calls. Not okay. I am not knocking booty calls. If you are single, they are needed, and serve a wonderful purpose. It is one thing to meet up with someone late at night who you know. But, it is quite another thing for someone to suggest a first date meeting at one am on a Saturday night. No, I am not meeting you at one am, after seven Bacardi and diet cokes. With all of these disasters why do I continue? Well, it's simple really. I continue for all of the people out there who have actually met someone they really care about. Apparently, these websites really work! And, as my mom says, "it only takes one..."
A good friend of mine is currently on Jdate. She was e-mailing back and forth with a guy that had checked out her profile. This particular guy seemed a little bit socially off to her through his e-mails, but she thought--okay, I'll give this guy a chance. (I'm sorry ladies, but if his e-mails are weird, then he's probably weird too). As a way to break the ice about taking their relationship from e-mail to the phone, this guy asked my friend to rate her conversational skills on scale of 1-10. Yes, he actually asked that, and expected an actual numeric response. This should have been a big red flag to fore go the phone conversation immediately. But, my friend proceeded with the phone call. Once on the phone, the first question he asked her was, "Do you have a police record?" IS THIS REALLY THE CALIBER OF MEN THAT WE ARE EXPECTED TO DATE?!
A couple of years ago after a brief stint on Jdate, I left the website after a three date dating disaster. I went out with the same guy three times, and after our third date, I knew that it needed to end. After sending an "I'm sorry, this is not going to work out text," we went our separate ways. Two years later, on a different dating website, this same guy found my profile, and e-mailed me, "You are so cute, I would love to have the chance to meet you!" Mmhmm. You did meet me. And, you paid for three of my meals. Idiot.
Another strange phenomenon on Jdate is pen-paling. This one literally boggles my mind. If you are on a dating website, it means that you are looking to date. Right!? At the very least, it means you are looking to get some booty. And, you can't do any of those things unless you meet in person. My friends and I have all experienced this one: Guys will e-mail back and forth with you. They will even text and call you continuously, but they never initiate plans to actually meet you in real life. I already have plenty of people that I like to converse with via phone, text and gchat. I do not need to be doing this with a stranger who has no intentions of meeting me. In one instance I e-mailed back and forth with one guy seven or eight times. He was clearly interested in talking to me, as he continued to ask questions, and "laugh" at my e-mail banter. I finally said to myself, enough was enough. I decided to take the reigns on this one. I wrote him an e-mail and included my phone number, writing that we should get drinks this week. His next e-mail back was, "Oh Lauren, you're so funny." Yep, wasn't being funny with that one.
My personal favorite (and by favorite, I actually mean the worst date that I've ever been on in my life) was with a guy who looked nothing like his pictures. I am not shallow. Okay, I am thirty-eight percent shallow. Looks are not everything, but they do count for something. The man in his pictures was breathtaking, and shirtless. (Shirtless pics are a big no-no, in my book. But this man looked THAT good). The man that I met? Not so much. He was a good fifty pounds heavier than his pictures, and bald. Perhaps these pictures were taken of him in 1998? I am not sure. But, when he arrived at the bar, he looked nothing like his pictures, and I didn't recognize him. When he walked over to me and said, "Lauren?" I thought he was the host asking to seat me. Whoops.
Online first date booty calls. Not okay. I am not knocking booty calls. If you are single, they are needed, and serve a wonderful purpose. It is one thing to meet up with someone late at night who you know. But, it is quite another thing for someone to suggest a first date meeting at one am on a Saturday night. No, I am not meeting you at one am, after seven Bacardi and diet cokes. With all of these disasters why do I continue? Well, it's simple really. I continue for all of the people out there who have actually met someone they really care about. Apparently, these websites really work! And, as my mom says, "it only takes one..."
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Sweetheart's Big Day
You all heard the tale back in January of 2010. I spent the end of my 26th birthday in the emergency room, with twelve stitches, and one broken pinkie finger. My great friend, Matt Rockoff fed me cheeseburgers from McDonald's as a homeless woman cried next to us in the hospital. It was quite the eventful end to my birthday. Since that time, my pinkie has transformed from mutant, with no hope of recovery, to a little bit less than mutant, and falls somewhere in the permanently deformed, deranged category. It's been fifteen months since that fateful day, and one thing has remained the same...until now.
Every time that I go to get a manicure, I always have to get nine out of ten fingernails painted. (And, no. I do not get a discount). Each time it is the same ritual. The nail lady goes to paint my pinkie nail, looks away in horror when she sees the shape of my finger, and that it is lacking a real nail, as she hastily moves right along to my ring finger. For the first time in fifteen months, Sweetheart (my pinkie named by Meelz), was able to be painted, just like all of my other fingers. I have ten painted fingernails. And, even though the shape of Sweetheart is still deformed, and she doesn't quite look right...this really is Sweetheart's big day.
Every time that I go to get a manicure, I always have to get nine out of ten fingernails painted. (And, no. I do not get a discount). Each time it is the same ritual. The nail lady goes to paint my pinkie nail, looks away in horror when she sees the shape of my finger, and that it is lacking a real nail, as she hastily moves right along to my ring finger. For the first time in fifteen months, Sweetheart (my pinkie named by Meelz), was able to be painted, just like all of my other fingers. I have ten painted fingernails. And, even though the shape of Sweetheart is still deformed, and she doesn't quite look right...this really is Sweetheart's big day.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Talent Show
This morning was the third and fourth grade talent show. To say that this was an hour filled with pure comedic genius would be an understatement. (Though I do not think that was the intention of this particular group of eight, nine and ten year olds). We heard and saw it all from singing, dancing, karate instruction, lego demonstrations, comedy acts and magic tricks. This group of kids have talent! (Or do they?)
My personal highlights included one student's rendition of Taio Cruz's, Dynamite. This student was dressed in a full suit, as he sang his heart out, while Dynamite played in the background. His dance moves that accompanied the song were almost as good as his singing. For your information: Trying to keep a straight face during this performance was one of the top five hardest things I've ever done in my life.
Then there was the Don't Stop Believing sing along by Journey, led by three of the girls from my class. And, we can't forget "soccer tricks." One student awkwardly standing in front of the audience bouncing a soccer ball off of his head, repeatedly, for about six minutes. And, every time he bounced the ball off of his head, the audience would cheer. Every. Single. Time.
Two of my students dressed up in mummy costumes and bobbed for apples. I have no idea why they decided to do this in mummy costumes, or why they decided that bobbing for apples is considered a talent. But, to each their own, I always say.
And, perhaps greatest of all, the final act, one of my students did "hip-hop" dancing. He jerked his body across the stage as Rappers Delight played over the speakers. I have never laughed so hard in my life. I did not even try to keep a straight face. It was unbelievable. His body contortions were out of this world, and he ended the dance on his head, his glasses crooked on his face. Oh, how I love working at this school.
My personal highlights included one student's rendition of Taio Cruz's, Dynamite. This student was dressed in a full suit, as he sang his heart out, while Dynamite played in the background. His dance moves that accompanied the song were almost as good as his singing. For your information: Trying to keep a straight face during this performance was one of the top five hardest things I've ever done in my life.
Then there was the Don't Stop Believing sing along by Journey, led by three of the girls from my class. And, we can't forget "soccer tricks." One student awkwardly standing in front of the audience bouncing a soccer ball off of his head, repeatedly, for about six minutes. And, every time he bounced the ball off of his head, the audience would cheer. Every. Single. Time.
Two of my students dressed up in mummy costumes and bobbed for apples. I have no idea why they decided to do this in mummy costumes, or why they decided that bobbing for apples is considered a talent. But, to each their own, I always say.
And, perhaps greatest of all, the final act, one of my students did "hip-hop" dancing. He jerked his body across the stage as Rappers Delight played over the speakers. I have never laughed so hard in my life. I did not even try to keep a straight face. It was unbelievable. His body contortions were out of this world, and he ended the dance on his head, his glasses crooked on his face. Oh, how I love working at this school.
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