Monday, November 16, 2009
You know you've made it when...
You know you've made it when, walking home early on a Sunday morning in your previous night's attire, (high heels in tow), a homeless man sitting on the street corner calls you a whore. I love you, New York City.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Tales of a Family Vacation
When I was a small child, I loved going on family vacations. I loved the mini-golf, the beach, and the restaurants. I loved my family of five sharing one hotel room. Mom and Dad in one bed, Heather and I sharing the other bed, and Jeremy on the cot, always. We were small children, and we all fit in this little room, feeling safe and secure with our parents right by our side.
Although, it's been quite a while since my whole family has been on a real "family vacation" I know that, those same feeling of love and closeness do not quite resonate the same way they did as when I was young. Any time in the last decade that we have all gone away together, my parents have one room, and the three of us kids have another. This arrangement has worked out just fine. Until this past weekend...
My whole family went to visit Heather at UMASS for the weekend. (Heather is better known in our family as Little Baby Fattface). I'm not quite sure why I nicknamed her that. But lucky for her, that nickname has stuck. Heather is not a baby, (she's 21). Nor does she have a fat face. In fact, Heather has the exact opposite of a fat face. She is little though, (in size) and she is the youngest in our family. We even made up a song about her called, "Little Baby Fatt Face" to the tune of Little Bunny Foo-Foo. (Also, when I say "we" I usually mean I).
Unfortunately Heather has contracted mono, for the second time. (Something that I thought was virtually impossible). Due to mono, Heather's neck has become quite swollen, and thus I referred to her as Little Baby Fatt Neck for the duration of the weekend. I'm a good sister, I know. And, I'm even a better sister for writing this here.
The original plan was for me and my older brother to stay at Heather's house at school, experiencing all that UMASS night life had to offer. Sadly, by the time night came, Heather was feeling really sick, and needed sleep. Subsequently, Jeremy and I decided that we would sleep at the hotel with our parents. (An aside: As, I sit here writing this, I am trying to remember the last time that I shared a hotel (or any other kind of) room with both of my parents. I'm going to go ahead and say that most likely that occurred sometime in the '90's.) I ADORE my family. Sometimes I can't get enough of them, I am lucky to feel this way about them. However that being said, I am pretty sure that I never need to share a hotel room with them for the rest of my adult life, and here is why.
The hotel had run out of cots. This meant that I would be sharing a bed with Mom (Little Mimi), and Jeremy would be sharing a bed with my dad. (Craig David). God forbid I share a bed with my dad or my brother. This was all well and good, until my parents were ready to shut out the lights and go to sleep at 10:30 pm. I realize that they are older, and had this been a weeknight, I would have been dead asleep. But, this was Saturday night,and there was no possible way that I would be able to fall asleep that early.
It was around this time that the farting kicked in. My dad who passed out almost immediately, began to fart. Loudly. In his sleep. Then the snoring started. He was a disgusting noisy machine. My brother, (Jeremy) had had it. He decided that sleeping on the floor would be better than being exposed to the lingering fart stench and surround sound snoring. For the next half hour, my mom (who felt bad that my almost thirty year old brother was on the floor) was trying to convince him to sleep in the bed with my dad. When he absolutely refused, she invited him in the bed with us. I have to draw the line there. It was already a little tight with just my mom and I sharing a double bed. There was no way that I would stand for another human male (my brother) to join us in that bed. Finally, my brother and I both told my mom (in a nice way) to shut up. He's 29. If he wants to sleep on the floor, that's his prerogative, ok? Shortly after, my mom drifted off to sleep, and guess what I learned about her? You guessed it! She snores too. Loudly. I woke her up, and told her that she was snoring (which she denied). She fell back asleep, and the snoring started up again. I looked at the clock. It was 11:01.
I have a lot of allergies. Dogs, cats, bees, wasps, hornets, (epipen, baby), seasons, grass, dust...
I'm also allergic to down. (The blanket/pillow material). I have faux down blankets/pillows in my room, but they are missing the real down ingredient. Guess what? The bedding was completely down. (Even the nasty top sheet that's usually reserved for pubes). Just as my mom had fallen asleep, I started to develop an allergic reaction to the down. I began to itch. BAD. I was scratching every inch of my body that was covered by the down. It's pretty hard to vigorously scratch yourself without waking someone sharing a bed with you. Needless to say, between the farting, the snoring, and the perpetual itching, it was a pretty restless night for all of us. When we all woke up the next morning (at SEVEN AM!!!) My mom said, "This was really fun! We should all go on a real family vacation soon!" Lauren, Jeremy--What do you think?"
Silence. and Silence.
Although, it's been quite a while since my whole family has been on a real "family vacation" I know that, those same feeling of love and closeness do not quite resonate the same way they did as when I was young. Any time in the last decade that we have all gone away together, my parents have one room, and the three of us kids have another. This arrangement has worked out just fine. Until this past weekend...
My whole family went to visit Heather at UMASS for the weekend. (Heather is better known in our family as Little Baby Fattface). I'm not quite sure why I nicknamed her that. But lucky for her, that nickname has stuck. Heather is not a baby, (she's 21). Nor does she have a fat face. In fact, Heather has the exact opposite of a fat face. She is little though, (in size) and she is the youngest in our family. We even made up a song about her called, "Little Baby Fatt Face" to the tune of Little Bunny Foo-Foo. (Also, when I say "we" I usually mean I).
Unfortunately Heather has contracted mono, for the second time. (Something that I thought was virtually impossible). Due to mono, Heather's neck has become quite swollen, and thus I referred to her as Little Baby Fatt Neck for the duration of the weekend. I'm a good sister, I know. And, I'm even a better sister for writing this here.
The original plan was for me and my older brother to stay at Heather's house at school, experiencing all that UMASS night life had to offer. Sadly, by the time night came, Heather was feeling really sick, and needed sleep. Subsequently, Jeremy and I decided that we would sleep at the hotel with our parents. (An aside: As, I sit here writing this, I am trying to remember the last time that I shared a hotel (or any other kind of) room with both of my parents. I'm going to go ahead and say that most likely that occurred sometime in the '90's.) I ADORE my family. Sometimes I can't get enough of them, I am lucky to feel this way about them. However that being said, I am pretty sure that I never need to share a hotel room with them for the rest of my adult life, and here is why.
The hotel had run out of cots. This meant that I would be sharing a bed with Mom (Little Mimi), and Jeremy would be sharing a bed with my dad. (Craig David). God forbid I share a bed with my dad or my brother. This was all well and good, until my parents were ready to shut out the lights and go to sleep at 10:30 pm. I realize that they are older, and had this been a weeknight, I would have been dead asleep. But, this was Saturday night,and there was no possible way that I would be able to fall asleep that early.
It was around this time that the farting kicked in. My dad who passed out almost immediately, began to fart. Loudly. In his sleep. Then the snoring started. He was a disgusting noisy machine. My brother, (Jeremy) had had it. He decided that sleeping on the floor would be better than being exposed to the lingering fart stench and surround sound snoring. For the next half hour, my mom (who felt bad that my almost thirty year old brother was on the floor) was trying to convince him to sleep in the bed with my dad. When he absolutely refused, she invited him in the bed with us. I have to draw the line there. It was already a little tight with just my mom and I sharing a double bed. There was no way that I would stand for another human male (my brother) to join us in that bed. Finally, my brother and I both told my mom (in a nice way) to shut up. He's 29. If he wants to sleep on the floor, that's his prerogative, ok? Shortly after, my mom drifted off to sleep, and guess what I learned about her? You guessed it! She snores too. Loudly. I woke her up, and told her that she was snoring (which she denied). She fell back asleep, and the snoring started up again. I looked at the clock. It was 11:01.
I have a lot of allergies. Dogs, cats, bees, wasps, hornets, (epipen, baby), seasons, grass, dust...
I'm also allergic to down. (The blanket/pillow material). I have faux down blankets/pillows in my room, but they are missing the real down ingredient. Guess what? The bedding was completely down. (Even the nasty top sheet that's usually reserved for pubes). Just as my mom had fallen asleep, I started to develop an allergic reaction to the down. I began to itch. BAD. I was scratching every inch of my body that was covered by the down. It's pretty hard to vigorously scratch yourself without waking someone sharing a bed with you. Needless to say, between the farting, the snoring, and the perpetual itching, it was a pretty restless night for all of us. When we all woke up the next morning (at SEVEN AM!!!) My mom said, "This was really fun! We should all go on a real family vacation soon!" Lauren, Jeremy--What do you think?"
Silence. and Silence.
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