For the first time, I realized today, on the longest day of the year; summer solstice (And Joey/Rockoff's birfdaaay), that summer as I know it will never be the same for me again. There are certain feelings and emotions that resonate when I think of the summer time. We all have these feelings. Whether it is a certain sound, smell, or song, summer time means different things to different people. As you can imagine, almost all of my summer time feelings are tied to one place. Yep--you guessed it. Schodack, baby. And sadly, what I've realized is: Summer time will never hold the same meaning for me as it once did. And, if that isn't a tough pill to swallow, then I don't know what is.
Go ahead and call me a loser, a nerd, a lifer. (I've heard it all before). But, for fourteen magical summers when school let out, I would pack my bags and head to Nassau, NY--to Camp Schodack for eight weeks. My mom would cry when I left, but it never even phased me that I was leaving behind friends and family that I loved for two months; because Schodack was (and always will be) a second home to me, and my Schodack friends are family.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am well aware that it would no longer be right for me to be at camp. The average counselor at Schodack was born in 1992. After all, how would I be able to make mid 90's dance song references? (Most of the current staff working at camp were only toddlers at the time!) But, what I am saying is this: I miss what summer used to mean to me, a lot. I miss living in a green place with my best friends for two months away from worries, cares or problems. Literally; we were carefree. The biggest problem that we (both male and female) faced was uni-boob sportsbra sweat (for the girls) and grundle sweat (for da boyz). And oh yes, we all were faced with some pretty serious looking mosquito bites too. My god, do I miss it. I miss the way my wrists looked adorned with friendship bracelets. I miss that when someone asked me how my summer was, I would answer without any hesitation, Amazing. And, it was. Those summers were literally nothing short of amazing. I know that I am lucky to have had that. I also know that I need to try not to live in the past, and focus on looking forward. But, if there is any overlying theme in my blog, it is that, NOT looking back is very difficult for me. (No, duh). And, though it may not seem like it, I'm trying. So sioux me if I am nostalgic.
The first summer that I decided I would not be returning to Schodack, I had a mini-emotional meltdown. (Are you shocked?) Keep in mind, I'm not a huge crier, and yet, I cried myself to sleep every night for a month. Do you know any other twenty-somethings who cried themselves to sleep because they would not be attending camp that summer? Uhh...yeah, didn't think so.
What I would not learn until later, is that this emotional process I was experiencing, was actually a form of grief. Essentially, I was grieving the end of my childhood, the end of my carefree innocence, and to be quite honest--the end of some of the best times of my life. I am not saying that my life has gone downhill in the past two years in any way. Not at all. In fact, I feel excited by so much that has happened. I'm thankful for the interesting people that I've met, and the experiences that I've had along the way, living in New York City. I love living in Manhattan, amongst so many of my friends, being a pseudo grown-up, painting the town hot pink, and scaring various boys away with my lifesize Luke Perry poster.
But today, on my first day, working at my day camp job located inside of a school...something just didn't feel right. Instead of doing an art project underneath fluorescent lights, I should have been laying outside in a field underneath the Schodack sun. Someone I worked with at the school that I teach at, once told me that she still had sex dreams about her ex-boyfriend (and she was married to someone else). Well, if I may make an analogy (probably not a very good one)...let me say this: Camp Schodack is like an ex-boyfriend that I will never get over. Sure, I'll move on, experience new things in,new places with new people, but just know, I'll be mentally cheating on summer with Schodack the whole time.
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