Change

In February of 1988, when I was four years old; my family moved from a suburb outside of Philadelphia to Livingston, New Jersey. Just me, Little Mimi, Craig David, and Judy. (Heatzbabi wasn't born yet). I began attending my new nursery school that week, I would later learn that my teachers told my mom that I had adjusted remarkably well to my new surroundings. Within minutes of arriving at school I was comfortable, happy, and surrounded by a group of my four year old peers. As a four year old, change did not scare me.

Fourteen years later, as a highschool senior, I saw the change that was coming my way. And, it paralyzed me with fear. I loved my life in highschool, and saw no reason why any of that should have to change. I fought this change hard. Kicking and screaming, until day one at The University of Rhode Island. Within instants of arriving at college, all that resistance to change seemed silly. I was going to be happy at this place, and I knew it. I made the transition from highschool senior to college freshman, seamlessly. Four years later, at age twenty-two, college's end came looming at my doorstep. Repeat Highschool end's cycle. I cried for days when college ended. But, did I transition into the real world, becoming an adjusted, (semi)-normal adult? Heck yes!

It wasn't until a few years ago that I began to truly recognize and understand how change makes me feel. Removing the emotional component of change, and the extremely sentimental side to my personality, I am able to see that change makes me anxious. This is not shocking. Change makes lots of people feel this way. But, never before had I been able to accurately articulate the words to this feeling. I knew that often times when thinking about change, a giant pit in my stomach would form. I would lose sleep thinking about what things were to come. I knew that change made me feel scared, and unsure about what the next step would be like. But, I hadn't yet learned how to identify my feelings as what they really were. It wasn't until my decision to leave Camp Schodack, (and a short stint in therapy later) that I started to understand that most of my fears stem from the unknown, and that is very often associated with change.

Some of you may know this, and some may not, but this past Friday was a very hard day for me. All, I will say is this: Change is certainly knocking on my door once again. And, it will take all of my strength to approach this time like the four year old girl inside of me. Fearless, happy, and easily adaptable. And, who knows. Maybe, it will even be a good thing. As Sheryl Crow once said, "A change will do you good." (Eeek! I sure hope so).