Release

Sometimes, you just need a really good cry. Until last night, the last time that I had cried, (and, I mean really cry) was the morning after my 26th birthday. I had just spent the night of my birthday in the hospital next to a screaming homeless woman. I was hung-over, and had to drag my IV cart with me into the hospital bathroom where I puked my brains out. My pinkie was throbbing. And, worst of all, I walked into my apartment at nine am, looking like a very disgruntled walk of shame. Only, I hadn't just come home from doing it. No, no. I had come home from a twin sized hospital bed.

The pain of my finger, the sadness I felt that my birthday "was ruined," and the scariness that most people had no idea where I had spent my night overwhelmed me. I walked into my apartment, sobbing uncontrollably. Mostly, I was just feeling sorry for myself. There would have been no rationalizing with me in that moment. I just needed a really good cry. Since that experience a year ago, I haven't had an opportunity to release my emotions in this same way. (Some could say that's a good thing). Sure, there have been mini choke-ups, (Watching the last episode of Beverly Hills 90210, attending Heatzbabi's college graduation, and watching my friend Josh get married last summer), but no level four meltdowns like the morning after my 26th birthday.

And suddenly, it all hit me. Last night I became very overwhelmed and scared by all that was ahead of me. For once, I was not thinking about boys, hair or clothes (or anything else that makes me an honorary sixteen year old girl). I was thinking about my future, my career path, my often stressful and scary financial situation, and the pressure that I feel as I am getting closer to thirty.

It could have been hearing my mom's voice when I was feeling this vunerable. Or perhaps it was the disappointments and frustrations that I have experienced over this last year, many of which I kept to myself, because I didn't want to burden others. But, my word. The tears...they came. I was standing outside my apartment building, on the phone with my mom, crying hysterically. People gave me sympathetic glances as they walked by me. And, I'm sure that others just thought that I was crazy. But, I didn't care. I was doing what needed to be done. I was releasing a year's worth of pent up emotions. (Release your inhibitions, Feel the rain on your skin?) Why am I sharing this here? Well, I'm not quite sure. But, I will tell you something. I feel much better today. It feels good to let it out. Sometimes, you just need a really good cry. And, sometimes you just need a good blog to share it in.