As a single, twenty-something gal in New York City, there are certain dating rules that we try and comply with. But, it can get confusing. Because, you see, the rules. They keep changing...
For a long time, I felt pretty okay with a rule that I had made for myself. A simple rule, really. It was this: Don't do it the first time that you hook up with someone. I had my reasons for this rule, all of which were important to me. A famous comedian once joked about his response to women who asked why a guy suddenly stopped speaking to them;"It's simple, he said. Either you slept with them, or you didn't"
But, somewhere in my mid-twenties, my sexual moral compass went slightly astray. I broke my "rule," and I thought to myself: Oh well, fuck it. (Literally). Does this make me a slut or a whore? No. It doesn't. It makes me single, living in a city filled with other single people.
My single friends and I were discussing one night stands at brunch one morning. (How very Sex and the City of us).What came out of our discussion was that, we don't have one night stands/sleep with people the first time we hook up because we are particularly slutty. (We're not). We do it for the same reason that guys probably do. And, the answer is not because, "we can." It's because when you are single, (unfortunately), the opportunity for s-e-x can be scattered far and few between. We've always been taught that when an opportunity comes knocking, we should take it. Right? Well, perhaps that very same theory has been applied to sex.
My single friends and I were discussing one night stands at brunch one morning. (How very Sex and the City of us).What came out of our discussion was that, we don't have one night stands/sleep with people the first time we hook up because we are particularly slutty. (We're not). We do it for the same reason that guys probably do. And, the answer is not because, "we can." It's because when you are single, (unfortunately), the opportunity for s-e-x can be scattered far and few between. We've always been taught that when an opportunity comes knocking, we should take it. Right? Well, perhaps that very same theory has been applied to sex.
From the worst case scenario, to the best. Here is what can come from first-time sex in a first-time encounter.
1).Never hearing from the guy again. (A girl can only experience this a couple of times, before she decides it really is not worth it).
2). Only hearing from the guy at two am on weekends. (This is to be expected I suppose. If you give it up the first time, this guy has no reason to think he can't get it from you again, on his terms).
3). The emergence of backwards dating. (Backwards dating is what I refer to as going on a first date with a person who you have already seen naked).
Backwards dating, is like regular dating. It's almost as if that sex never happened between the two of you, and everyone is on their best behavior.You go back to drinks, dinners, and movies. Sometimes without even kissing at the end of a night. And, if and when you do finally do it--it's like that first time never even happened...
1).Never hearing from the guy again. (A girl can only experience this a couple of times, before she decides it really is not worth it).
2). Only hearing from the guy at two am on weekends. (This is to be expected I suppose. If you give it up the first time, this guy has no reason to think he can't get it from you again, on his terms).
3). The emergence of backwards dating. (Backwards dating is what I refer to as going on a first date with a person who you have already seen naked).
Backwards dating, is like regular dating. It's almost as if that sex never happened between the two of you, and everyone is on their best behavior.You go back to drinks, dinners, and movies. Sometimes without even kissing at the end of a night. And, if and when you do finally do it--it's like that first time never even happened...
This past January, one of my best friends said that her New Year's resolution, was to make choices that she felt okay with the morning after. I kind of love this resolution. Whether you are doing it with strangers on the regular, whether you don't sleep with someone the first time, or if you are in a long term relationship--we each need to do what feels right for us, and make choices that we can live with for many mornings to come.
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